My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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