i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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