peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
