he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
