last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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