There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
