you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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