A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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