She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
