Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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