It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
