I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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