a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
