I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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