So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
