matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
