The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
