Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
