Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
