how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
