We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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