dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
