dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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