tell your sister to shave her snatch
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
