Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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