The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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