If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I need to calm my uterus...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
