You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
