It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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