A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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