the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
