he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
