Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
