I cut my penus on the lid.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
