and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
