Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Randomize
