hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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