i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
