What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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