Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
