Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
