Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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