What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I smell stomach acid.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize