Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
