i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
