Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
