If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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