cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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