I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
