So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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