It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
